Stop resolving conflicts

The word conflict comes from the Latin word conflictus which means clash. In all relationships, there are clashes. Conflicts are often about feeling scared and stressed and needing to set a boundary. Boundaries are necessary when living in close relationships. Conflicts activate our fear system. Therefore, we need to focus on safety. What made us stressed and afraid in this situation? What could have given us security? We need to focus on safety rather than on resolving the conflict. If we feel safe, we can stay with each other and find constructive solutions to what has come up.

As long as we live in the idea that the conflict will be resolved, we make ourselves dependent on the other person and their willingness and ability to contribute to the solution. On the other hand, when we focus on security instead of resolution, we become free from others. There is a freedom in letting go of the expectation of a solution and instead focusing on good ways of living in the midst of and with the conflict. We can see conflict as a resource instead of a problem. When we have different views, it can help us find an even better way forward. Conflict offers an opportunity to come closer together and is fundamentally an invitation to a deeper relationship and belonging.

We have an over-reliance on words – that we need to talk through, talk out, sort out. But many words can be confusing. What we need is presence and a plan for how to bring in more safety and joy. If we need to talk about what happened, it is better to do it when we are out and about. It is also good to set up a limited time. The most important thing is not to come to a solution. The most important thing is to get to safety.