Every time we experience a change in our lives, we walk across a bridge of change. We start from where we are, and step by step we move to the other side, to the new. Change always means leaving something behind to embrace something new, and the journey can be quite difficult. But having a picture of the bridge of change can help us understand where we are and where we are going. The Bridge of Change comes from Marion Knell’s book “Families on the Move”.

Change always does something to us:

• They take a lot of energy – to plan and implement, but also because of all the emotions
• They divide our attention – we are still in the here and now, but in our minds we start to move away and into the future.
• Or maybe we don’t want to think about the future at all.
• We can start to feel bored and restless
• We find that we stop caring about things that were previously important.
• Our relationships change – we give them less or more time. Sometimes we fall out with people we don’t usually fall out with.
• We become more sensitive and may cry more often or get angry more often.

Children need a lot of closeness and security during change. They need time and attention. Changing their whole life, as a child who is changing cultures more or less does, can be extremely stressful. Children also need help expressing their feelings during this time. They may need help expressing them in words or in play. The Bridge of Change can help them both understand and talk about what it can be and feel like during change.

The different steps of the change bridge:

Belonging

Before we start the walk across the bridge, life is pretty normal. I go to school, have friends, take part in activities, and hopefully feel safe in my family. I know who I am. My friends know me and know who I am. I BELONG. I have a place. I know who the people around me are and what their places and roles are.

Belonging feels safe. When I feel safe, I can live in the present and plan for the future. I care about others. I get involved and take responsibility. I want to be involved and I am accepted. I feel at home.

Planning and preparing

Then I find out that a change is coming. Sometimes I find out long before, sometimes maybe only a short time before. Thoughts start spinning in my head – what will this be like? I think and PLAN and start to PREPARE. Where are we moving to? What school will I go to? Where will we live?

Imagining what it will be like

To find out more, I take the next step – I try to IMAGINE what it will be like. This is not always easy. I might try to read books or look on the internet about the place I’m going to or about others who have been through something similar. I might try to find people who are already there or have been through the same thing and talk to them. What is it like to live there and go to that school? Will I fit in? What will it feel like? What am I looking forward to? What am I afraid of?

Withdrawing

At the same time as I start to imagine where I’m going, I become less present here and now. I stop doing some things I did before. Some things that used to be very important are no longer important. And my friends might not be so interested in being with me anymore.

In many ways, this is the hardest part of the change. But leaving is a way for both me and the people around me to prepare for the fact that soon we will no longer be together. It’s good if we can talk to the people we’re leaving and explain how we feel.

Saying goodbye

This is when it becomes important to SAY GOODBYE, to say goodbye – and to do it in a good way. Sometimes we find it so hard to say goodbye that we feel like ignoring it. But if we ignore saying goodbye, it becomes difficult to say hello. When we say goodbye, we end what is now, in order to start something new. We can say goodbye in different ways. We can organize a party, give a gift or write a card. It’s important to think about how I want to say goodbye to each person who is important to me. And don’t save all goodbyes for the last day!

Grieving

When we say goodbye, it can start to feel really hard – we start to MOURN. To grieve is to realize that something I like is no longer there, that I have to let it go. When a person dies, we go to a funeral. But what do we do when we move? A farewell party can be a bit like a funeral, a time to talk about all the fun we’ve had and all the things we’ll miss, and to share our grief together.

Most of us are aware that we grieve for people we have to part with. But there is so much more we lose – in fact, a whole world, everything that I am used to.

The chaos

Then it happens – the CHANGE itself – and when we are in the middle of it, it is often CHAOS. It can be chaos around us and it can be chaos inside. If it’s a move to another country, it can be very stressful before we leave, with everything to be sold and packed and organized. When we arrive in the new country, we may not know where to live, where the school is, how to get to school, where to buy furniture, clothes and good food. Parents are stressed because suddenly there is a lot they don’t understand because they are in a new culture with a language they may not know. Everyone in the family is stressed and in a bad mood – it’s just chaos.

Discovering the new

After a few days or a couple of weeks, we start to get a bit curious about where we have ended up, and start to try to DISCOVER AND UNDERSTAND the place we have arrived in. We find out where everything we need is, we might start to learn some important words and phrases in the new language. We discover new foods that are actually really good. We start to understand how this and that works.

To observe

To understand more, we start LOOKING AND LISTENING. We look at how others do things: How do they greet each other? How do they get on the bus? What do they do at break time? What do they call the teacher? How do they change after gym class? How do they cross the street? During this time you can feel extremely tired. We don’t think we’re doing much, but watching and listening and trying to learn takes a lot of energy. We are on edge all the time. We want to fit in and learn to do like the others.

Finding a guide

Fitting in is easier if we can find ONE PERSON TO GUIDE us into everything new. Often they appear, as if from nowhere, sometimes you have to look for them. It’s not always the person who becomes my best friend, but that person can be extremely important to me during my first time in all the new. A person who can show me how to do things, who explains why we do things in certain ways.

Learning new things

The more I discover about all the new things, the more I realize that I have to LEARN some NEW THINGS. Maybe a new language. But it could also be a new sport, a new way of doing math, riding a bike in heavy traffic, buying food on my lunch break, or anything else I need to know to fit in, make friends, and do well in school.

Finding people who understand

In the beginning, you can often feel alone and different. Eventually, you begin to discover – that many others have been through the same thing as me and felt the same as me. It’s nice to FIND PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND. When I know that others have felt like me, it doesn’t feel as lonely anymore, and I don’t feel so strange. And I see that others have made it! Maybe I can do it too!

Belonging

Eventually, after some time, I start to feel that I BELONG. It takes different amounts of time for different people. Sometimes it takes just a couple of months, sometimes it can take a couple of years.

It takes a lot of emotion

During the walk across the bridge of change, we can have all sorts of emotions – and often a lot of all the emotions. This can make us not quite the same, reacting to small things in ways we might not otherwise. In a family, this can sometimes be quite difficult, when everyone has big and many – and perhaps different – feelings.

At the same time, it can be a time when families become very close. If we keep our feelings to ourselves, we can feel alone. But if we start telling each other how we feel, we can become very close. Sharing feelings is a way to get to know each other, understand each other and feel connected. The time of change can therefore be one of the best times in the family!